Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Sociopaths

Talking with the boyfriend earlier, I've come to the conclusion of why most of my relationships have been very damaging. I was sexually abused as a child and that has led me down a road of very bad decisions. One mainly being not having really established boundaries and understanding what is acceptable and what isn't. It also doesn't exactly help that I have very large breasts and have also been viewed as a sex object thus attracting the wrong kind of attention;. What's worse is I seem to attract men with mommy issues.

My ex husband, whom I married at the age of 19 to get away from an overbearing father and disabled mother, is a perfect example. He and I met on-line when I was 16. We dated off and on for a few years because dealing with a long distance relationship is kinda crappy. Well, after we had gotten back together he decided to go to boot camp and join The Marines. While in boot camp we exchanged letters and got close and after he graduated and was on his way to A school in Pensacola, he proposed. I accepted and a month or so later we were married on the beach in a small, intimate ceremony. I then met my mother in law and learned more about my then husband.

Lets rewind now. A few years after the sexual assault I told my father that I think I liked women better. He told me that he never wanted to me my girlfriend but still loved me. His advice was to marry a man and god will make me love him. Hmm well, I took daddy's advice. However, I now know that I really should have spent more time with him and his family before I agreed to marry him. I now know that his main motivation for wanting to get married was so that he could get a bigger paycheck and not have to live in the barracks. I guess being a Marine entailed a little more than he thought. When I left him after him returning from deployment because I realized I was much happier without him, he blamed me for having joined. Well, I didn't really want to be with a man who displayed Sociopathic tendencies.

One day after moving in together in San Diego to start a new life, he suggested we get  kitten. He decided to name the kitten gina as in  vagina. Then as part of his disciplinary techniques, he would hold her under the faucet and half drown her. This scared the crap out of me and made me kinda afraid of him. I also discovered that he was active on websites like adultfriendfinder.com and advertising himself as single on MySpace. This explained why as a newly married couple, he never wanted to procreate.

Then came Matt. Matthew was my second serious relationship. Only, I had no idea just how batshit insane he was. He too was a Marine, only he never got past boot camp and is now on social security disability and living a comfortable life.  Turns out he's bi polar with a really bad drinking problem. He was a big mistake from the beginning. I moved in with him because my friends /  first room mates ever ganged up on me and unfairly accused me of not cleaning/ doing dishes when I was on a different schedule than them and doing it when I got home from work at 4am when everyone was asleep. It was a disaster since my folks were in Florida and I moved in on the spur with people who I thought were awesome. I was a nieve Mormon raised girl and very stupid. Anyhow with my bad decisions came even more bad decisions because well I finally moved out of Matt's apartment and into my own only to get laid off when the economy crashed. Desperate for a job, I accepted a position in Pennsylvania and met another certifiable Sociopath. I wasn't in a romantic relationship with him, just a sexually abusive slave/master one which I didn't have in mind at all when I wanted to play "pet".

I'm a girl with a high pain tolerance and on occasion I like to feel a bit of physical pain from a flogger or paddle, or spankings. But mostly, I just like feeling sensations. I'm not really into the whole, yes master, right away master bit, but the men I've played with like to sexually objectify me into their own personal toy and don't listen. It really makes me want to just live a simple, plain, vanilla life. With my current boyfriend, he seemed to offer that when we first met. He was chilverious, held open doors for me, and acted like a true gentleman. He seemed really awesome, and he still has his moments of pure awesomeness, however, he still falls into the mold of unhealthy relationship. With this said. I at least do know warning signs to look out for to  help avoid falling "victim" again. I am a survivor and a fighter and will some day be treated with the respect and compassion I deserve.

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